Ep 8. Stop Passing Your Birth Trauma Onto Other Women
How We Can Change the Way We Talk About Birth
There’s a conversation I had recently that I haven’t been able to stop thinking about.
I was at an event a few weeks ago, chatting with a lovely young woman when she asked me what I did for work.
“I’m a birth doula,” I replied.
Almost instantly, she physically recoiled.
Her eyes widened, she laughed nervously, and said something along the lines of, “Oh my goodness… birth scares me so much.”
At first, I assumed she’d had a difficult birth herself.
But then she told me something that completely changed the conversation.
She had never been pregnant.
She had never been through labour.
She didn’t have children.
Yet she was already terrified of giving birth.
Not because of anything she had experienced but because of the stories she’d been told.
That conversation stayed with me long after the event ended.
Because it made me realise something I think we don’t talk about enough:
Sometimes the fear women carry into birth isn’t their own. It’s borrowed from someone else.
Birth Trauma Is Real, And It Deserves Compassion
Before we go any further, I want to make something very clear.
Birth trauma is real.
Some women have experienced births that were frightening, heartbreaking, or deeply disappointing. Some have experienced emergencies, unexpected interventions, loss, or moments when they felt unheard or unsupported.
Those experiences deserve to be acknowledged.
Women deserve safe spaces to process what happened.
They deserve healing.
They deserve support.
And they deserve to tell their stories.
This article isn’t about silencing women.
It’s about being intentional with who we share those stories with and how we share them.
Because there is a difference between processing trauma with someone who can support you and unintentionally transferring that fear onto another woman who hasn’t even begun her own journey.
The Stories We Hear Shape the Birth We Expect
Think about how many birth stories you’ve heard throughout your life.
Maybe it was your mum.
An aunt.
A work colleague.
A stranger in the supermarket.
Social media.
Reality TV.
Even movies.
How often do those stories sound something like this?
“Labour was horrific.”
“I was in labour for three days.”
“You’ll definitely tear.”
“Just wait until you give birth…”
We hear these comments so often that they almost become normal.
The problem is, our brains are wired to remember fear.
Fear feels like protection.
So when a young woman grows up surrounded by stories that only highlight pain, emergencies, and worst-case scenarios, her brain quietly begins creating an expectation before she’s even pregnant.
Without realising it, we’ve taught her that birth is something to survive.
Not something she can prepare for with confidence.
Fear Doesn’t Just Affect Our Thoughts, It Can Affect Birth
One of the most fascinating things about birth physiology is the relationship between fear and the body.
When we feel afraid, our body naturally responds by becoming tense.
Our breathing changes.
Our muscles tighten.
Stress hormones increase.
This is often described as the fear–tension–pain cycle.
Fear creates tension.
Tension can increase discomfort.
Increased discomfort often creates more fear.
And the cycle continues.
Of course, birth is unpredictable, and every labour unfolds differently.
But how a woman feels entering labour matters.
Feeling informed.
Feeling supported.
Feeling respected.
Feeling safe.
These things don’t guarantee a particular outcome, but they can significantly influence how a woman experiences her birth.
This is one of the reasons birth education is so important.
Not because it promises a “perfect” birth, but because knowledge often replaces fear with understanding.
Why Don’t We Celebrate Positive Birth Stories?
Have you ever noticed something?
Positive birth stories rarely go viral.
We hear about emergency caesareans.
Near misses.
Long labours.
Birth complications.
The dramatic stories spread quickly.
But what about the woman who says,
“I felt calm.”
“I trusted my body.”
“I felt incredibly supported.”
“Birth challenged me, but it also showed me what I was capable of.”
Those stories exist.
Thousands of them.
They simply aren’t shared nearly as often.
And that’s a shame.
Because women deserve to know that positive birth experiences are real too.
Every Time I Share My Birth Story, I See Hope
One of the most rewarding parts of my work is talking to women about birth.
Whenever I share my own birth experiences, I almost always hear the same response.
“I wish I could have a birth like that.”
“That’s my dream birth.”
It makes me smile every time.
Because my answer is always the same.
You absolutely can have a positive birth experience.
Does that mean every woman will have the exact same birth?
Of course not.
Birth isn’t something we can script.
Every pregnancy is unique.
Every baby is unique.
Every woman is unique.
But positive birth isn’t reserved for a lucky few.
A positive birth isn’t defined by whether you had a vaginal birth, a caesarean birth, an epidural, or a home birth.
A positive birth is about so much more than that.
It’s about feeling informed.
Feeling respected.
Feeling heard.
Feeling like you were part of the decisions being made.
Feeling supported by the people around you.
Feeling proud of yourself.
That’s a positive birth.
And every woman deserves to know it’s possible.
Tell Women What You Learned, Not Just What Went Wrong
This is the part I wish we talked about more.
If someone genuinely asks about your birth…
Tell your story.
Tell it honestly.
But don’t stop with the difficult parts.
Share what you learned.
Instead of saying,
“My doctor was pushy and my birth was awful.”
Imagine saying,
“Looking back, I wish I’d known I had more options.”
“I wish I’d understood informed consent.”
“Next time I’d spend more time choosing a care provider whose philosophy aligned with mine.”
“I’d ask more questions during pregnancy.”
“I’d hire a doula.”
“I’d explore continuity of midwifery care.”
“I’d spend more time preparing emotionally as well as physically.”
Do you see the difference?
One version leaves another woman thinking,
“Birth is terrifying.”
The other leaves her thinking,
“Maybe I have choices.”
And that’s incredibly powerful.
Because education creates confidence.
Fear creates avoidance.
Women Have More Birth Choices Than They Often Realise
One of the biggest misconceptions I see as a doula is women believing they only have one way to give birth.
In reality, many women have more options than they realise.
Depending on where they live and their individual circumstances, these may include:
Public hospital maternity care
Private obstetric care
Midwifery-led continuity models
Birth centres
Planned home birth with an appropriately qualified midwife
Doula support alongside their medical team
Every option has its own benefits, considerations, and suitability.
The goal isn’t to convince every woman to choose the same path.
The goal is to help every woman understand that she has options.
When women know their choices, they’re far more likely to make decisions that align with their own values, preferences, and circumstances.
That’s empowering.
Let’s Start Changing the Conversation Around Birth
Imagine if young girls grew up hearing stories of strength alongside stories of struggle.
Imagine if women spoke openly about feeling respected during labour.
About trusting their bodies.
About making informed decisions.
About overcoming fear.
Imagine if hope became just as contagious as fear.
I genuinely believe we would see more women entering pregnancy feeling curious instead of terrified.
Not because birth suddenly became easy.
But because they understood that birth isn’t only one story.
It’s thousands of different stories.
And theirs hasn’t been written yet.
Your Words Matter More Than You Think
The next time someone asks you about your birth, pause for a moment before you answer.
Ask yourself one simple question:
Am I leaving this woman with confidence… or with fear?
Your story is important.
Your experience matters.
But perhaps the greatest gift you can give another woman isn’t simply telling her what happened.
It’s helping her believe that her own story doesn’t have to look exactly like yours.
Birth deserves honesty.
But it also deserves hope.
Because hope doesn’t ignore reality.
Hope simply reminds women that fear is never the only ending available.
Preparing for Birth with Confidence
If you’re pregnant and looking for evidence-based birth education, emotional support, and guidance to help you feel informed rather than overwhelmed, working with a doula can make a meaningful difference.
At Mamacub Wellness, I support women and families throughout pregnancy, birth, and the postpartum period by helping them understand their options, build confidence, and prepare for birth with knowledge instead of fear.
Because every woman deserves to walk into birth feeling safe, seen, informed, and empowered, and knowing that her story is still waiting to be written.
Connect with Mamacub Wellness
If this article resonated with you, I’d love for you to continue the conversation.
Website: www.mamacubwellness.com.au
Instagram: @mamacubwellness
Podcast: The Audacious Noor
